I’ve been watching a lot of Law & Order: SVU while on my FMLA leave this last month. It’s always been one of my favorite shows, and I like to pull it up on Hulu while I’m writing my articles.

I’ve been learning a lot about myself in the last month while I’m off work (I may or may not do a post on what led up to my taking FMLA/PLOA). And I thought I’d get this down on paper (or electronic paper?) before I lose my nerve.

I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. No one ever touched me when I was younger; I never witnessed a murder or had a close relative or friend die in the prime of their life. Yes, my job exposes me to death, trauma, and tragedy on a daily (shiftily) basis, but I compartmentalized and felt numb to pain and suffering.

Their emergency was not my emergency.

So when my behavioral health nurse practitioner (BHNP) gave me the PTSD screening and I came up with a high score (indicating I was experiencing PTSD), even he was confused about my symptoms.

The depression/anxiety medication was wearing off, or at least not working anymore, and the increased dose gave me “dark thoughts” – I’d rather not expand on that just yet.

For the record, I’ve been off medication for about 3 weeks, going to bi-weekly therapy, and following up with the BHNP regularly. And just so you know, I haven’t had any dark thoughts since stopping the higher dose of medication.

But all that is to say that I’ve been watching a lot of SVU and witnessing the “perfect case scenario.” When one of the officers is on the verge of a mental breakdown, Captain Cragen swoops in and orders the detective to “take some time off” before he has to notate it in their jacket.

Now, I’m not a cop, but I am a first responder, and after what I’ve experienced leading up to this FMLA, I will never take my mental health for granted again. I actually had an amazing supervisory team. Checking in on me, making accommodations for me on long shifts, and generally just being human.

And like Benson and Stabler, I ignored their attempts to reach out. I would make statements that were just short of being committed. I would tell them I’m fine when I’m not and turn around and lash out because it was “their fault” I was suffering.

I remember seeing Eileen’s eyes well up with tears when I expressed how this job was killing me. After all she’d done to make my life easier, I blamed my problems on her. I don’t know if she took it personally, and my intention wasn’t to have her shoulder the blame, but I was angry and she was the one who asked.

And for that, Eileen, I am truly sorry.

Thankfully, I was able to take FMLA (although, after a month of fighting with my doctors, it still hasn’t been officially approved) and open myself up to the hurt that I’d been ignoring. It’s been a struggle. It’s been so hard. And I’m not ready to make my return to death, trauma, and tragedy yet.

Captain Cragen was able to sacrifice a detective here and there to get their mental health in order. In Season 10, Episode 9, Cragen tells Olivia to take some time off on her own accord or else he’ll make it an order. But my job is not that flexible.

No one wants to be labeled mentally unstable. Especially if they’re responsible for your health and safety. When I show up on scene, I don’t need my partner, a Fire Captain, or, God forbid, a patient to question my competency. So I quietly took my leave, telling people I needed a mental health break. But no one, besides Harley and my family, really knew the depths of it.

My drinking was becoming less of a choice, and my sleep was infrequent, or 20 hours a day with no middle ground. I was battling depression and anxiety simultaneously – both freaking out about scenarios that may never happen but having zero energy or wherewithal to deal with it.

With a lot of work, by the grace of God, and a strong family, I’ve been able to face demons I didn’t even realize was possessing me and work through problems I didn’t even know were bothering me years after they occurred.

Yes, I still enjoy a glass of wine with dinner – and more than a glass on occasion. But I have someone I trust, who loves me unconditionally, to tell me when it’s affecting my life or reasoning. I set goals, write them down, and check them off daily. I go to therapy, talk openly and honestly with those willing to listen, and take medication as prescribed.

Do I think I’m cured? No, not at all. I have a long road ahead of me. But I’m getting my life on track.

I took the FMLA to save my life.

Just because I have 5 days off during the week does not mean I’m not suffering for the 48 hours I spend at work on those remaining two days. I want to return to that line of work. I want to serve my community. I want to make a difference in this world – but I have to be healthy to do it.

So when I do return to work, I hope that I still hold the respect I believe I held before I took my absence. I hope I have the trust and acceptance of my friends, family, and colleagues. I hope any harsh words I spoke in anger or pain are forgiven.

I hope that if I’ve ever hurt you, you accept my honest public apology and know I am doing everything in my power to make it right.

Take care of yourself, friends. You are your own biggest advocate.