Disclaimer: This is a seriously rough and barely edited rambling, not intended to be more than just a blog post.

I hadn’t planned on posting today, but it being 11 o’clock at night and also on my fourth glass of wine I realized, “why not?”

I have had the best birthday today. I woke up to the sweetest birthday card from Ty, Jonus, and Waylon who also let me unwrap my present: Kindle Paperwhite! I almost cried at the sweet notes. I spent the day with (who I call) my step-son, Waylon (4-years-old) building puzzles, watching movies, and snuggling on the couch. When Ty and Jonus (who I also affectionately refer to as my step-son, 7-years-old), came home, Ty made me a delicious meal and a homemade devil’s food cake with banana AND butterscotch topping. I mean, what more could a girl ask for? Then I got to tuck the boys into bed all by myself and sing them songs my dad used to sing to me when I was a youngster (“I can’t help falling in love with you” for Waylon, and “You’ll be in my heart” for Jonus).

I had to actually look at the calendar to see if I was working last year or if I had it off. That’s how memorable. After my birthday I celebrated with Dawn, Alex and Myles at a fancy restaurant that served cocktails and delicious entrees. That was probably the first time in my adult life that I truly remember being celebrated for being alive.

Of course my family made me feel loved. That’s not something a lot of people can say. But I can, and I don’t want to take away from how grateful that makes me feel. My mom has always gone above and beyond. My dad, who has had his own struggles in life, never shied away from showing affection. My younger sister, who I was an absolute tyrannical horror to as a child, has always received me with compassion and understanding.

But something about being divorced for the first time – single for the first time in 10 years, made me feel like something was different. Last year I turned 30 – something most people dread. I, on the other hand, was so looking forward to the benchmark year. It signified my independence. My goal point. It was my chance to change everything I didn’t love about myself.

I got my nose AND my eyebrow pierced within a month of each other. Both birthday gifts to me (much to my dad’s dismay, but he got over it).

I may have worked on my actual birthday. Tonight, I didn’t care enough to actually go back through the schedule and check. If I did, I don’t remember. If I didn’t, it clearly wasn’t that memorable anyway. Honestly, I might have even been alone. I’d spent quite a few birthdays alone.

Now don’t try to feel sad for poor ol’ me. Alone doesn’t mean ALONE. I had donzens of calls, texts, emails, birthday cards, notifications, carrier pigeons… okay, maybe not carrier pigeons, but you get the idea. I think I ran a half-marathon on my actual birthday one year? I know I ran two right before my birthday in 2020, before the pandemic really had its grasp on us, of course. Again, there was my mom, waiting for me at the finish line with hugs and LOTS of water, support, and candy to get my sugar up.

2021 was different though, as I’m sure for most people. Something about January 1, 2021 made us all think the pandemic would be over and life would return to normal. I think that’s when I really began to see that things were not going to just change overnight. If I wanted to be happy, I had to start now.

I have worked countless birthdays and holidays in my short six and a half year career in EMS. This year I worked New Years Eve and was so happy to ring in the New Year with Harley, Tito (affectionately hence forth to be referred to as Teeters), Madison, Nathan, and our new hires. We all hugged as the first snow of 2022 fell. I called Ty at 11:59pm and gave him so many kisses and words of affection over the phone. My phone call was cut short at 12:01 with “code 3 911 traffic for unconscious person”. But just before the celebrations, Harley said something to our new hire EMTs that I’ll never forget.

He said: “This job sucks sometimes. You’re away from your girlfriend or wife, kids, family, friends at some of the most inconvenient times. And when you have to work on a holiday or a birthday or a special occasion you will probably be really bummed you missed it. But there is something special about spending that time with your EMS brothers and sisters when you can all come together and embrace the suck. You’re in this together. You are a family.”

In my sappy conclusion to my EMS, Fire, Hospital, and other healthcare worker family I say: Thank you for lifting me when I was down, carrying me when I couldn’t walk, holding me while I cried, and rooting for me even when I didn’t know. You are the reason I am still in this field. You made a difference. You have changed my life.